In our Focus Forwards session, we discuss how ‘should’ and ‘ought to’ thoughts can undermine our achievements
We’re now into the final stretch of our Step into Spring challenge.
Each week so far, I’ve found fun and different ways of meeting my daily step goal. From walking on a treadmill at a standing desk to incorporating more walking into a holiday and inviting friends and family to walk with me.
When walking becomes a chore
This week has been especially busy, so at times my step goal has felt like an additional task to tick off my to do list, rather than being for pleasure.
So, when considering what to write for this blog, I struggled with how to describe a week where my steps had became more of a chore. I noticed that I was slipping into a type of thinking we discuss in Cancer Coach called should and ought to language. For example:
‘I should have done more varied walking this week.’
‘I ought to have organised my time differently so I could have spent more time outdoors.’
This type of thinking can be unhelpful as it pressures us into meeting a standard we create for ourselves while undermining our actual achievements.
Cancer is a uniquely individual experience
Many of our Cancer Coach participants recognise falling into this type of thinking pattern when in recovery – especially when they compare themselves to others. However, as Sharron Moffat discusses in the mythbusting section of our training session Empowering conversations: Understanding cancer and supporting others, no two people’s experience of cancer is the same. This means that setting standards and expectations for ourselves based on the experiences of others is unfair and unhelpful.
Thought challenging exercise
In Cancer Coach we address this type of should and ought to thinking (as well as other thought patterns) with a useful exercise called Thought Challenging.
Using my own “should” statement, I have followed the exercise below to give an example of how this exercise works in practice:
- Write down a thought and the type of thinking involved? I should have done a more varied walking this week. The type of thinking is should and ought to.
- Do I have any real evidence that my thinking is correct? No – there are no rules for how I should be achieving my steps each week. The idea that I should be doing it a certain way is a pressure I have placed on myself.
- What does it cost me to think this way? (E.g. anxiety) It makes me feel as though I’m not achieving as much as I want to, which can sometimes feel stressful.
- What would I say to a friend who was in this situation? I would say that you are being very hard on yourself. You’re doing well by juggling lots of different things and it’s normal that some weeks will be harder or different than others.
- Is there another way I can look at this? I’ve done well to meet my step goals this week despite it being a busy week. The fact that I have achieved my target, even when it has been tougher, is something to be proud of rather than critical.
- What is the revised thought? I recognise that while I have had some challenges this week, I have achieved a lot despite this. I prefer when I have more time to focus on walking. However, being flexible with how I set and achieve my goals is important when not every week is the same. I will try to recognise and celebrate my achievements more.
Don’t be hard on yourself
Through this example you can see how breaking down should and ought to into smaller parts allow us to recognise how hard we can be on ourselves, and how unhelpful this can be to our wellbeing.
In our Focus Forwards session we use this exercise with more examples in relation to cancer, to demonstrate how it can be helpful in supporting emotional recovery.
As we come towards the end of Step into Spring, I’m already reviewing what I’ve learnt from participating in the challenge. I look forward to sharing my reflections with you in my final blog.
